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MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. LAWRENCE
So David Bowie was on Rarotonga, filming Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence.
His bodyguard, Tony was bored as hell and decided he fancied doing some work as an extra in the movie.
He went to the extras casting, got dressed into an British army uniform, and stood in line alongside seven thin blokes.
The producer walks along the line, eyeing up each of the extras. He gets to Tony.
"And what are you supposed to be?" asked the producer.
"A Japanese prisoner of war." replies Tony.
"You must be 17 stone!"
"They only captured me yesterday." says Tony.
"He's brilliant! Where on earth did you find him?" she asks David.
"Well," he says. "Last week I helped an old lady across the road. She turned out to be a good fairy and granted me a wish. "Sadly, she must have been hard of hearing because I ended up with a 12-inch pianist."
How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He prays to the light machine.
How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He stands on a ch-ch-chair.
How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He's torn between the light and dark.
How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He climbs upon the toppest top of all the tops that man has pushed beyond his brain - forgets the bulb then has to climb right down again.
How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He's waiting at the light know what I mean.
How does David Bowie ch-ch-change a light bulb?
He doesn't. Just the beer light to guide us.
SQUAWKING LIKE A PINK MONKEY BIRD
David had a parrot he trained to sing. One Christmas he took the parrot to the local bar and told everyone that if you put a match under the parrot's right foot he would sing 'Little Drummer Boy' and if you put the match under his left foot he would sing 'Peace On Earth'.
Of course the people in the bar wanted to see it. And, sure enough, he put a match under the parrot's right foot and he sang 'Little Drummer Boy'. He put the match under the parrot's left foot, and low and behold, he sang 'Peace On Earth'.
One guy asked him what would happen if he put a match between the parrot's legs. He answered, "I don't know. Try it and find out."
So, the guy put a match between the parrot's legs, and immediately the parrot began singing, "Chestnuts roasting..."
AS THE LABEL FOR THE DOG
A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case.
"What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..."
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..."
"Woof!" signals the dog.
The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse. As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment building, climbs to the top floor, and begins scratching at a door. With that, the door swings open and an angry David starts shouting at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"
"Intelligent?" counters David. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"
WE CAME FROM THE FARMLANDS
David Bowie decides to pack in the music business and go and live on a farm. So he walks into town to purchase some animals to start up his farm. He walks over to the farmers' market and asks the vendor for a rooster. The clerk says "We don't call them roosters here, we call 'em cocks."
So David buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks, "What do you call that?" The clerk replies, "That's a pullet." David agrees to purchase one.
Lastly, he asks the vendor for a donkey. The clerk replies "We don't call them donkeys, we call 'em an ass, but we only have one left and he's very temperamental." David says he needs one anyway, and asks what's wrong with it. The clerk says that once in a while it will stop walking and it won't budge unless you scratch it behind the ears.
David pays for his animals and begins to walk home. Along the way, the donkey stops and doesn't move.
David has his arms full with the rooster and pullet, and stops a woman who was passing by. He says, "Pardon me, would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"
I'LL GIVE YOU BACK MY FARM
A horse and a chicken are playing in the fields of David Bowie's new farm. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get David to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farmhouse, but David can't be found. So he drives David's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving the horse from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from David.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thing' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did, and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
I WISH I'D PLAYED THE DOODAH HORN
David walks into the recording studio with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the studio that this is a very talented octopus. He says that it can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone in the studio laughs at David, and obviously don't believe him. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
Tony Visconti walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. Tony pays up his $50.
Then Gail Ann Dorsey picks up a trumpet and takes it over. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. Gail Ann pays up her $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"
AND FINGERS IN BLOOD
Iman looked at David and Duncan as they cleaned up their bloodied fingers. "Well, have you two finally learned never to go near snapping turtles at the pond?" she asked.
David replied, "Yes, Iman. It really tortoise a lesson."
SOMEWHERE IN A PLACE LIKE THAT
David Bowie and John Lennon after finishing their work in the studio decide to go on holiday together.
"Where do you fancy going then John?" asks David.
"Dunno Dave, what do you reckon?"
"Hong Kong?" David says.
"Not enough time at the moment, let's go there next year. I've only got 3 days off. How about somewhere in England?" says John.
"Well Cornwall is lovely this time of year." suggests David.
"Yeah sounds great." says John.
So off they travel down to Cornwall in a luxury chauffeur driven Limousine.
Driven via the scenic route weaving through the country lanes, they finally reach the border of Cornwall and Devon.
"John," says David... "Imagine there's no Devon."
WE ARE HUNGRY MEN
So David's got a new personal assistant for the week whilst in the recording studio. During a break he asks her:
"Erica, could you nip down to the deli and get me a corn beef sandwich?"
"Sure David, no problem." replies Erica.
David adds: "If they've got no corned beef, ham will do."
So off pops Erica to the deli and can't find any corn beef anywhere and forgetting what David said she buys spam instead.
On returning to the studio, she puts the sandwich down on the table. David is busy writing a song and is completely stuck for a title. He takes a bite of his sandwich and discovering Erica's mistake, shouts out to her: "This is not ham Erica!"
AND TREMBLE LIKE A FLOWER
David walks into a garden centre holding a plant pot aloft and complaining furiously about the potted plant he'd bought the previous week for Iman.THIS GIRL IS MADE OF LIPSTICK
Ziggy was sitting at a bar enjoying an aftershow cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that Ziggy could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition." Slightly take aback, Ziggy asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." Ziggy considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
NITE FLIGHTS
Brian Eno and David Bowie are deep in conversation during their flight to New York.
"I'm telling you my friend, it's spelt w-o-o-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-b, wooooommmmb!" said Brian.
"No, no, no. It's spelt, w-o-o-o-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-b-b-b-b-b, wooommmmmmmbbbbb!" said David.
This went on for a while until a nurse sitting behind them leant over and said, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing your discussion and I can tell you that it's spelt w-o-m-b, womb."
"I'm sorry, madam," said Brian, "but have you ever HEARD an elephant fart under water?"
LITTLE RED ROOSTER
A farmer owns about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Ziggy; "He'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Ziggy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ziggy. The farmer takes Ziggy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Ziggy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Ziggy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Ziggy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Ziggy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Ziggy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Ziggy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Ziggy dead as a door knob in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful creature, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ziggy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Ziggy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."
ONE SHOT
David Bowie walks into a bar and says to the landlord:
"Give us a whiskey quick before the row starts"
The landlord pulls him a drink and David downs it in one.
"What row?" asks the landlord
"The one about me having no cash in my pocket" David replies.
I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE WORLD...
David and Iman went to the botanical gardens...A LION IN A BAG PLAYED THE TIGER RAG
A 17 year old saxophonist named Davie Jones is on the phone with his agent. He is concerned that he doesn't have a gig for a while. His agent tells him: "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions." To which Davie says, "What does that have to do with my sax playing?" The agent then says, "Look, the gig pays £100 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing." At this point Davie will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his saxophone with him while looking for the lions.
One day he notices a lion coming towards him and the only thing that he can think of doing is to play his saxophone. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get tired and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck. He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. Davie has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another. He says, "What the heck, one more won't hurt." He plays his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he plays louder. The lion starts to run towards him so he plays faster and faster, but the lion keeps coming towards him. The lion jumps on Davie and eats him.
One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over."
BANG BANG
David and Mick are playing a round of golf at Wentworth.
David tees up. "Four!" bang... straight on to the green, two inches from the hole.
He turns round to Mick and just smiles.
Mick tees up. "Four!" bang... the golf ball hits a woman on the side of her head.
"Oh shit!" shouts Mick.
They both run off towards the woman to make sure she is alright.
The woman is completely out cold, with blood dripping from her temple.
David gently cradles the woman's head in his lap.
"Quick Mick, go to the clubhouse and get a doctor" says David.
Mick runs off to the clubhouse.
"Is there a doctor in the house?" demands Mick.
A man steps up. "Yes I'm a doctor. What's the problem?"
Mick explains to the doctor about the woman.
"So where exactly did you hit her?" requires the doctor.
"Between the first and second hole" replies Mick.
"Fuck me" says the doctor. "That doesn't leave much room for a plaster."
PRISONER OF LOVE
David gets three months in prison for non payment of his internet telephone bill.
He is led to his cell by one of the prison wardens.
"Right then, you're in here Mr. Bowie" says the prison warden pointing to a cell.
David looks into the cell and sees the biggest, meanest hardest looking son of a bitch he has ever seen in his entire life.
"Fucking hell, I'm in shit street here" he thinks to himself.
David sits on the edge of his bunk.
"Allo mate" says David, trying to be friendly. "My name's David... what's yours?"
The huge gorilla of a man says absolutely nothing and just stares back at David.
Five hours has elapsed, and not a word is spoken between the two of them. There is a really uncomfortable feeling in the air. David is a little more than worried to say the least.
Eventually night time arrives. The silence is broken when the gorilla of a man says in a real deep slow threatening voice:
"Oi you. Let's play mummy's and daddys."
"Er no thank you" says David nervously.
"I SAID. Let's play mummy's and daddy's. And I'll be daddy."
David thinks 'Fuck that, no way. How the hell do I get out of this situation.'
David replies even more nervously "Erm... alright then, but only if I can be daddy."
"OK then" says the gorilla.
"Suck Mummy's cock!"
HANG ONTO YOURSELF!
David decides to have the full beauty and relaxation treatment for a special treat. He spends $250,000 for two weeks at the world's top health farm and feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a news-stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 53," David says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29? "I am actually 53. This makes him feel really good.
Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, so David thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 53." Completely stunned David says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds!"
Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
"Rick"
"Rick who?"
"Rick Ershay... it's not the end of the world"
ALTERNATIVE LYRICS: 'DRIVE IN CHRISTMAS DAY'
Let me put my hands on my bearded head
Gee it's late, are you in bed?
Don't forget to turn off the light
Don't wake babe it'll be alright
Pour me out another sherry
Another Mince Pie will leave me merry
Perhaps the strange presents on your list
A comb and a book and a watch for your wrist
And try to fly my sleigh like once before
When kiddies stared at starry skies in awe
Watching Rudolph at the fore
His name was always Santa
And he'd shrug and drive his sleigh
Then he'd sigh like Uncle Albert
And hasten on his way
I'm uncertain if we like him
But I know the children love him
It's a sack load full of presents
It's a drive in Christmas Day
Young and old children prayed for his work
Neither bribes or smiles would work
It's hard enough to keep being good
Even though children know that they should
Cursing at the snow in the sky
His hands are cold as the sleigh whizzes by
He's delivering gifts to Sylvia
Billy and Tina and thousands of men
With sniffing head he gazes to the night
One more push will see his years work right
Should be done by the dawns early light.
(© Written by Chris aka HeddonStBoy)
HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
A guy who worked in the MainMan offices got up from his desk one afternoon.
Tony DeFries asks him:
"Where do you think you're going?"
"To get my haircut." replies the guy.
"What? You're gonna get your haircut in office time?"
"Well it grew in office time."
"Not ALL of it did."
"Well I'm not getting it ALL cut off!"
WAITING SO LONG, I'VE BEEN WAITING
Iman was at Heathrow Airport waiting for David to return from his world concert tour. She spotted him at customs and waved, at which David waved back and shouted "F.F."
"E.F." shouted back Iman.
"F.F." came the reply, to which Iman again shouted "E.F." This went on for a while until eventually the customs officer's curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "Is that a special code that you have with that lady?"
"Sort of," said David. "She's my wife and she's just saying that she wants to eat first."
LITTLE WONDER'S DOG
David Bowie was taking a stroll through Beverly Hills when he noticed Stevie Wonder standing on the corner with his dog when all of a sudden the dog raised it leg and pissed on Steve's trouser leg. Stevie reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
David crossed the road and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!"
"I'm not rewarding him, Stevie replied, "I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him up the arse."
'ERE... DIDN'T THEY TELL YOU TO GET YOUR HAIRCUT AT SCHOOL? YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLLING GNOME'
A Bowie fan goes into a hairdressers and asks for a Ziggy Stardust haircut.
When the barber has finished the lad's hair-do, he's got bright green and blue hair, half a fringe, a bald patch at the side, flat at the front and uneven lengths at the back.
"That's not a Ziggy Stardust haircut!" the fan complains.
"It's what he'd get if he came in here."
BECAUSE YOU'RE YOUNG
A complete nerd has finally got a date with a girl and decides to take her out to a posh restaurant in London. During dinner, he notices behind her, tucked away in a corner, David Bowie sitting with a party of friends. He waits for his date to go to the toilet and then rushes over.
He says to David, "Excuse me Mr Bowie, you don't know me but I really need a favour. I've been chasing this girl for months and I've finally got a date with her. I've drove her down to London, brought her out to this posh restaurant, spent a months salary on this date and she's still not impressed. She's a big fan of yours... if you'd just come over and pretend like you know me and say 'Hello Frank' or something she'd be really bowled over!"
With that Frank goes back to his table before his date returns.
A few minutes later David gets up to leave. On his way out he stops by the table, slaps the lad on the back and says "Hi Frank, good to see you again... how's it going?"
Frank turns round and replies: "Fuck off will ya Dave, can't you see I'm busy!"
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers
LAW (EARTHLINGS ON FIRE)
David Bowie calls his lawyer and asks:
"How much would you charge me to answer three questions?"
"£900," the lawyer replies.
"Jesus," says David "That's a lot of money, isn't it?"
"I guess so," replies the lawyer. "What's your third question?"
LET ME SLEEP BESIDE YOU
By the time Sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Sailor assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning Sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Sailor.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
TOM JONES INDEX?
David: "Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass Of Home.'
Can you help me?"
Doctor: "Ah yes, you appear to be suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome."
David: "Is it rare?"
Doctor: "Well... it's not unusual."
ALTERNATIVE LYRICS: 'GOLDEN BEERS'
Golden Beers, gold whop whop whop
Golden Beers, gold whop whop whop
Golden Beers, gold whop whop whop
Don't let me hear you say beer's taking you nowhere, Alky
Drink up my baby
Look at that bar, life's begun
Nights are warm and the beer is strong
Drink up my baby
There's my baby, drunk once more
Once I'm begging you shut that bar room door
Golden beers, gold whop whop whop
Drink up my baby
Last night they loved you, opening tins and pulling some beers, Alky
Drink up my baby
In walked luck and you drank some wine
Never throw up, walk straight, act fine
Drink up my baby
I'll drink with you baby for a thousand beers
Nothing's gonna touch you with these golden beers, gold
Golden beers, gold whop whop whop
Drink up my baby
Some of these days, and it won't be long
Gonna drink some beer which is really really strong
In the back of a dream bar twenty foot long
Don't cry my sweet, don't spill my beer
Doing all right, but you gotta get smart
drink upon, drink upon, day upon day, I believe oh lord
I drink all the day
Drink up my baby
There's my baby, drunk once more
Once I'm begging you, shut that bar room door
Golden beers, gold whop whop whop
Drink up my baby
Don't let me hear you say beer's taking you nowhere, Alky
Drink up my baby
Run for the barrels, run for the barrels
Run for the barrels of these golden beers
I'll drink with you baby for a thousand beers
Nothing's gonna touch you with these golden beers, gold
Golden beers, gold whop whop whop
(© Written by Chris aka HeddonStBoy)
OH YOU PRETTY THINGS!
During the 1995 David Bowie UK Convention there is a fancy dress competition.
Steve Lowe walks on stage dressed in a white silk kimono and a lightning flash across his face and announces: "Good evening everybody, I'm Aladdin Sane."
Next, Paul Kinder walks on dressed in a white shirt, black waistcoat, packet of Gitanes and slicked back orange hair and announces: "I'm The Thin White Duke."
Dave Priest gets up doing a mime sequence, dressed in a red bomber jacket, white boxing boots and a red spikey haircut and announces: "Hi I'm Ziggy Stardust."
Then Dara O'Kearney gets up on stage, dressed in a blue suit, spotty jumper with braces and a large Trilby hat and announces: "This ain't rock 'n' roll, this is Genoci... I'm Halloween Jack!... Slan libh."
Finally Steve Perrin, the fourth and final contestant gets up on stage, he's covered in blood from a deep head wound, covered in scratches, two broken arms, a fractured leg, a blackened eye and completely wrapped in bandages, and announces....
"Hi! I'm The Man Who Fell To Earth."
Q: What do you get if you cross an alligator with a pink monkey bird?
A: I haven't got a bloody clue!
ZIGGY'S LAST STAND?
There was a bloke in the Hammersmith Odeon Theatre, sprawled out over three seats. The usher came by and told the bloke to move. The bloke mumbled, but didn't answer, so the usher went to get the manager.
"Sir," the manager said to the man, "If you don't move, I'll call the police and have you removed." Again, the bloke mumbled, but didn't answer. So the manager called the police and an officer came over.
"Excuse me, sir," the police officer said to the bloke, "What's your name?"
"Pete," said the bloke.
"And where are you from, Pete?" asked the policeman.
"The balcony!" replied Pete.
Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
"Paul"
"Paul who?"
"Paul Weller"
"Who?"
IMAN DARLING
There was a butler who worked for David and Iman. One night, husband and wife went out for dinner. After a wonderful meal, Iman returned home earlier than David, and she called the butler, Sam, into her room.
She told him: "Sam, I want you to take my shoes off." So Sam took her shoes off. Next she said. "Sam, now I want you to take my stockings off." So Sam took her stockings off. "Now Sam, take my dress off. Now my bra, and now my panties. And Sam, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you're fired..."
Q: What do you call a bloke who likes watching herds of cows being blow up in the middle of a field?
A: The Voyeur Of Udder Destruction
COME ON YOU BLUES
David Bowie and Reeves Gabrels were chatting in the recording studios.
"Are you going to the match on Saturday?" asked Reeves.
"Chelsea are playing Arsenal."
"No," said David. "Iman won't let me."
"What?" said Reeves. "It's easy to get out of that. About an hour before the game, what you do is pick her up, take her to the bedroom, rip off her clothes and make mad, passionate love to her. Then she'll let you do anything you want."
"I'll try that," said David.
The following day, Reeves and David are back in the recording studios.
"How come you didn't make it to the game?" asked Reeves.
"Well, I'll tell you what happened," said David. "About an hour before kick-off, I did as you said. I picked her up, took her to the bedroom and ripped off her clothes. And then I thought, fuck it, Chelsea haven't been playing that well recently anyway."
SWEET HEAD
Ziggy Stardust is giving sweet head to a young woman.
"My word! You've got a large vagina. My word! You've got a large vagina," he says.
"There's no need to say it twice" she says.
"I DIDN'T!" replies Ziggy.
HE ASKED FOR AN AUTOGRAPH...
A young autograph hunter was chuffed to bits when he got Paul Weller's autograph after a show. The following night he accosted Mr Weller again and got his autograph, and after the very next show he tried to get it again.
"Look," said Paul, "This is the third time you've asked me for my autograph. What the hell is going on?"
"Well, said the lad, "If I can get eight more of yours I can swap them for one of David Bowie's."
LIKE A ROLLING STONE
One day, a few years back, Keith Moon was having a party at his house. He had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. Keith was also more than a little eccentric, and he had filled his swimming pool with crocodiles.
So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
Keith gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves.
Keith looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."
Still no one moves.
"OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time.
"OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."
"Splash!" Mick Jagger dives in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.
Keith jumps down from the tower and runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later"
"I don't want the cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want those either."
"Do you want the drugs now or later?"
"I don't want the drugs."
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."
Keith looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"
"I want the bastard that pushed me in!"
TO THE NEXT WHISKEY BAR
On reaching his plane seat David Bowie is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me whiskey, you stupid cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets David's coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whiskey, you slapper."
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness David tries the parrot's approach.
"I've asked you twice for coffee, go and get it now, you thick bitch," he shouts at the stewardess.
The next moment both David and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. The parrot turns to David and says, "Bloody hell David, you've got a right gob on you for someone who can't fly!"
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
THOMAS JEROME NEWTON
David goes into a pub with a newt sitting on his shoulder.
"That's a nice newt, says the landlord, "What's he called?"
"Tiny," replies David.
"Why's that?" asks the landlord.
"Because he's my newt," says David.
WIN A DATE WITH IMAN
A huge fan of Iman's wins a date with her in a competition. Naturally, he's very nervous when they meet and when he sees her in real life, she turns out to look even more gorgeous than she does on the screen and in photographs, beautifully dressed in a designer outfit, with her beautiful eyes sparkling in the light.
Clearing his throat, the fan offers Iman a drink. "Erm, would you like a Tia Maria or a Martini, Iman?"
"Oh, a Tia Maria," says Iman. "Tia Maria to me is like a deep sunset over a forest of blazing russet trees. It makes me glow and shimmer like a ray of light bouncing off an icy lake in winter. Martini, on the other hand, makes me fart."
WE ARE THE GOON SQUAD AND WE'RE COMING TO TOWN.....
David decides to splash out and buys a 1998 Turbo BeepBeep. It's the best and most expensive car in the world, and it costs him £750,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on an even older looking moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car's that?" David replies, "A 1998 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost £750,000."
"That's a lot of money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles per hour!" says David proudly.
"Can I take a look inside?" ask the old man asks.
"Sure," replies David. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a nice car, all right."
Just then the lights change, so David decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320mph.
Suddenly, David notices a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhooooooooooosssssssshhhhhhhhh! Something flies by him! Going maybe three times as fast! David wonders what on earth could be going faster than his Turbo BeepBeep. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him. Whhhooooooooooosssssssshhhhhhhhh! It goes by again! And, it looks distinctly like the old man on the moped!
"It couldn't be," thinks David. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?" But again, he sees a dot in the rear-view mirror! WhhhooooooshhhhhhhhhKa-BbbbbblaMMMMMM!
It ploughs straight into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
David jumps out and is amazed to discover it is the old man. He's in a bad way so David says to him, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yeah, says the old man. "You could unhook my braces from your nearside mirror."
DAVID BOWIE'S TOP TEN SONGS
1. Gimme Gimme Gimme Iman After Midnight - David Bowie
2. When The Wind Blows - Monica Lewinski
3. Unwashed And Somewhat Slightly Dazed - Supertramp
4. Under Pressure - Bill Clinton
5. Hallo Spaceboy - John Glenn
6. Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent - Marion Brent
7. I'm Afraid Of Americans - Saddam Hussein
8. I'm Deranged - Saddam Hussein
9. Hang Onto Yourself - Pee Wee Herman
10. Never Let Me Down - Luscious Linda (Blow Up Doll)
DAVID BOWIE'S TOP TEN BOOKS
1. Let's Dance - by Reg Hughes
2. I Dig Everything - by Alan Titchmarsh
3. Take My Tip - by John Holmes
4. Moss Garden - by George O'Dowd
5. Five Years - by Lester Piggott
6. It's Not The End Of The World - by Rick Ershay
7. How To Pinch Your Best Mates Bird - by Tony Day
8. Fantastic Voyage - by Vasco de Gamma
9. How To Get Pissed And Save Money In The Pub - by Brendan O'Lear
10. Repetition - by W.W. Double Hugh
A LITTLE RED BOX
Each time Ziggy Stardust visited this pub he had a little red box with him.
The barmaid is finally overcome with interest, and asks, 'What's in the box?'
To which Ziggy replies, 'The most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really great.' He suggests she might like to find out just how good the frog is, so they go in the back room where she takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs apart. Ziggy then takes the frog out of the little red box and places him between her legs. After several minutes nothing is happening. Ziggy reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says, 'Now listen; I am going to show you just one more time!'
ALTERNATIVE LYRICS: 'KITCHEN DAYDREAM'
I'm a percolator,
I'm a salt-pepper shaking for you
I'm the mashed potato,
I'll be a stir 'n' fryin' bitch for you
Keep your oven shut,
You're cooking me a pink turkey bird
And I'm mixing up my sauce that's well stirred
Keep your 'lectric toaster on me babe
Put your ladle to my head
Press your waffles close to mine, love
Cook out in a kitchen daydream oh yeah!
Don't bake it baby,
Fry the real thing for me
The joint of ham, love,
Is such a salty joint to see
Cake me baby, make me soufflés filled with air
Make me chomp into éclair
Keep your apple pie on me babe
Put your beans can to my head
Press your napkin close to mine, love
Freak out in a kitchen daydream oh yeah!
(repeat x3)
Cook out, far out, pig out (etc)
(© Written by Chris aka HeddonStBoy)
THE MAN WHO SOLD THE SHARES
David Bowie went into a bank. Reaching the head of the queue, he said to the bank clerk, "I wanna open a fucking bank account."
"Certainly, sir," answered the bank clerk, "But there's no need to use that kind of language."
"Look, lady. I just wanna open a fucking bank account," growled David.
"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the bank clerk, blushing slightly, "But I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."
"Just let me open a fucking account, OK?" he said.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off clerk, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with the manager, who asked how he could be of service.
"I've just received £35 million on the stock market," snarled David, "And all I wanna do is open a fucking account."
"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this fucking BITCH is giving you trouble?"
Q: How many lead guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. They don't like to share the spotlight.
AFRICAN NIGHT FLIGHT
David Bowie is travelling through the thickest jungles in South Africa when he comes across a temple. David is entranced by the temple, and asks a local guide for details.
The guide says that the archaeologists are excavating, and still finding great treasurers. David then asks how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1,503 years old," replies the guide. Impressed at the accurate dating, David inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy," replies the guide, "The archaeologists said the temple was 1,500 years old, and that was three years ago."
THE PRETTIEST STAR
David Bowie walks into a pub after finishing off in the recording studio. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively, "You've got great hair!". David looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same voice say, "You're a brilliant singer!". David looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said, "What a superb artist you are!" David was so baffled by this that he asked the landlord what was going on. The landlord said, "Oh, it's the peanuts on the bar - they're complimentary."
WATCH THAT MAN
David Bowie walks into a pub and sits on a stool. In front of him he sees a big jar full of fivers and a little card which reads: 'Hello, if you'd like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of bar laugh. Entry fee: £5.'
"I'll have a crack at that," thinks David, sticks five quid in the jar and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that it pisses on the floor. So David takes the money and leaves.
The very next day David walks into the pub again and sees the horse and the jar, this time full of tenners, with a sign stating, 'You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. Entry fee: £10. So David puts in his tenner and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like a baby. So David takes the jar, but before he can leave the landlord asks, "How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, says David, "the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him!"
ANAGRAMS
DAVID ROBERT JONES| Sir Jon Todd Beaver Investor dread job Rob jaded investor Joe darts ovenbird Vendors editor jab Restored divan jab Strained Dover job Arrived Dobson Jet Arrived stoned job Job trends avoider Joins bored advert Starved join bored Donates driver job Invader sorted job Invader strobe job To join red adverbs Adored job striven |
Snorted varied job Snorted jive board Did Jon sort Beaver? Rooster band jived Deviants order job Joined drab voters Strobed adorn jive Brad voted joiners Traded job version Veteran sordid job Darned robots jive Oddest banjo river Served broad joint Nor as diverted job Adverbs trod Joe in Advisor to nerd job Arrived snob jet do |
Adverbs doer jet in Brian drove sod jet Rent or job advised Joint beards drove Strive job adorned Drain jot observed Varied rodents job Joint Dad observer Inverts adored job Edits banjo drover Stoned Arbor jived Overdone dirt jabs Jet invaders brood Indorsed Bravo jet Janitors bred dove Tender job advisor Indorse advert job |
Advertiser nod job Nor advertised job Or diverted banjos Diverted arson job Dirt job endeavors Janitor drove beds Revised banjo trod Roasted driven job Rodents Broad jive Advert donor jibes Indoor Jet adverbs Jot ordained verb Jab inverted doors Never did jab torso Reborn toads jived No vet jab disorder Adverbs torn Joe ID |
| THOMAS JEROME NEWTON A mere Jones moth town A met moon threw Jones Won't Jones memo Earth? Jones meant whore Tom Oh! Jones water moment Jones man theme or two Jones man here, Tom two Jones man, where motto? Jones man hero met two Jones man threw me too Jones man whet me root Them Tao Jones worn me Me men throw Tao Jones Meet whom on Jones Art? He Tom own me Jones Art Jones Art... own met home When Jones art met moo Jones art me went homo One whom met Jones art Jones at home - net worm Jones threw me at moon Major T. me on these now Major T. neon sow theme Major T. new Moon sheet Major T. he met own nose Honest men owe Major T. Meet Major T. he on snow |
DAVID JONES And so jived Did Joe's van No Dads jive No jived ads Dad Son jive DAVID BOWIE Avoid web ID I do view bad I wed via DOB I diva bowed I do diva web We avoid bid Idea bid vow Web aid void IMAN ABDULMAJID I jab a dud mailman I DB aid jam manual Julia bid a madman |
ZIGGY STARDUST Tasty drugs Zig Gaz's dirty tugs Sty Rats dug Zig Ritzy dust gags Gutsy drag zits Rats study gigz ALADDIN SANE Dad's an alien! Aid nasal end Dead in nasal Adds an alien Alien and sad Sailed 'n' Dana Sienna lad ad And alias end THE THIN WHITE DUKE Hindu Keith Hewett Edit thee with Kuhn Tied thee with Kuhn |
| Created: April 1998 © Paul Kinder | Last Updated: 9/4/23 |