The JackieC 'Existentialist World Tour' Online Journal

26th June 2003

Dear Fans,

Many of you will have heard by now that the forthcoming David Bowie 'A Reality' World Tour clashes with my own mega-selling tour of the globe. Well, there's nothing I can do about that, I'm afraid - them's the breaks in rock 'n' roll. It's a shame for David, but all I can do is wish him the best of luck and hope my tour bus overtakes his when we hit the open road. If any of you are able to get tickets for both tours, that would be great; otherwise just come and see mine, because my show will be better.

As revealed in the national press, I'm set to do a very special tour in which I open with a recitation of poems from Allen Ginsberg's 'Howl' under torchlight. This will be followed by an action-packed second half in which I come on stage wearing a saucepan on my head. As die-hard fans will know, this is no ordinary saucepan. It is designed by a top-notch Japanese kitchenware manufacturer, and hence has perfect resonance when it is hit in the correct fashion by a trained musician. My good friend, Colonel Mustard, is such a musician, and she will be dazzling you with her percussive skills as she whacks the saucepan repeatedly with a wooden spoon. I don't need to tell my loyal fanbase that I shall be wearing the saucepan on my head throughout this riveting performance. Fans in Scotland will be pleased to know that they (and they alone) will get the added thrill of the saucepan being filled with porridge. The hugely talented choreographer, Gary Hopton ('Gaz', as he's known in the business), will be in charge of commissioning top-quality oats for this leg of the tour.

Which brings me on to the band. Now, I know there's been a lot of speculation about this - rumours as to whether I will, for instance, bring Ethel Brockenshaw and her Hammond organ out of retirement. But the fact is, I had such a ball on the last tour, that I'm going to stick with the same fantastic group of musicians who rocked the rafters of many a provincial bingo hall during our 2002 jaunt. Those guys are like family to me, man! Sooo... I know you won't be disappointed when I say that on lead guitar I've got the incredible Stephen Stroud, who, as well as providing some hot licks during the 'Howl' section of the show, will be blowing you away in the interval with his solo performance of Benny Hill's number one hit, 'Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)', followed by a Jimi Hendrix-style version of Dora Bryan's 'All I Want for Xmas Is A Beatle'. Stephen will also be doubling as Tour Manager, so please - don't bombard him with fan mail. He'll be a busy boy. Better if you send all your letters addressed to me.

On backing vocals, and providing a bar show as the finale, will be the lovely SLS, the biggest crowd-puller in Arkansas, and the best-looking bloke I've ever seen in fishnets. SLS is keeping the setlist for his bar show a closely-guarded secret, but (I'm not the biggest star in the world for nowt) I've managed to fix my peepers on his shorthand notebook and can reveal - phew! - that you're all in for a big treat! I won't spoil it for you by giving too much away, but let's just say that SLS is opening with the Yoko Ono classic 'Don't Worry Kyoto (Mummy's Only Looking For Her Hand In The Snow)'. I believe he'll also be wearing a top hat for this one, so please don't startle him with too many flashbulbs, or his Fred Astaire routine might go a bit skew-whiff. Especially as, with the fishnets, it's a combined Fred and Ginger routine all in one. Not easy!

A last minute addition to the band is the bugle maestro known to fans all over the world as 'The Si-monator'. Just back from his own fantastically successful world tour, including the United States of America and Wigan, Simon will be thrilling rock fans everywhere with his stage costume of lucky brass underpants and nothing else!! The tour will be stopping off at Simon's home town of Wigan before we hit the road for Sydney. Unfortunately though, we'll only be stopping off for a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich because I'm told the good people of Wigan would be driven too crazy by the tour saucepan. For them it would be like seeing the F.A. Cup in all its shining glory, so the band and I have decided to do 'autographs only' at Rosalyn's Café for the Wigan leg of the tour.

The support band will be The Kinky Darlings, a fabulous band from Soho, London, who will warm you all up nicely for me.

OK, that's enough wittering - gotta get on now and polish up the tour saucepan (stainless steel, natch; only the best for my fans). If any of you have any questions relating to the tour, please contact my personal assistant, the extremely efficient Mr Ed, who will ensure I get to see anything interesting while binning everything else.

Details of the JackieC 'Existentialist' World Tour can be found here: 2003 Existentialist World Tour

Details of that other bloke's tour can be found here: 2003 Reality World Tour

Check in regularly for live updates from our tour bus, The Stroud Family Dairy Delivery Van. By the time we get to Croydon, we should have picked up a few groupies, so watch this space for rock 'n' roll fun involving ice cream! (But not, unfortunately, involving my friend Colonel Mustard, because she's got sensitive teeth).

Love on ya!

25th June 2003.