One of the nicest and funniest people I've ever had the pleasure to meet is a certain Mr. K Smith - that's 'Wild Man' to you lot. Ken was pencilled in to do the compering and introducing at The Three Tuns last week. Unfortunately a journalist from The Kentish Times grabbed a hold of him and that was that. Anyway here for your delectable consumption is his "prepared" script for the day...

KEN SIMMON'S COMPERE SCRIPT (albeit put on paper after the event).

Now although I didn't get a chance to introduce/compere at the Thursday 6 December 2001 Beckenham 3 Tuns (I refuse to call it the Rat and Parrot!) David Bowie event - too busy being interviewed by the Kentish Times - this is how it might have gone. A bit like the old days, when I stood in for David while he was away touring. (And with Angie supporting me in the audience I didn't need canned laughter!)...

AFTERNOON - BEFORE STEVE HARLEY

Did someone call me Wild Man Simmons? That was Tony Visconti's idea to produce an English version of America's Larry 'Wild Man' Fischer but I would never have used that handle! The Wild Man was more like Jerry Springer - I would have been closer to Russell Harty! I probably could have been Mild Man Simmons and holding a half pint of milk stout in my publicity shots. ANYWAY - enough about me!

It was Steve Roberts who recently said to me "Have you heard about David Bowie's plaque?" Well, I though, that's not kind. I know his teeth used to go in but - so I logged onto bowiewonderworld.com and saw David in all his new ceramic glory. Gosh - he could do a cover version of Come Up and See Me - MAKE ME SMILE! (Mind you, I've had my teeth - and nose - fixed since 1969 so less said the better.) Now in those days Steve Harley (I can see his fan club's here) was a bit of a ladies man. That song was originally called 'Come Up and See Me GET IN SINGLE FILE' but the BBC wouldn't give it airplay! So without adoing further the time has come for our special guest. They say you have made it when someone "does" you on STARS IN THEIR EYES. Now Matthew Kelly's impersonator had the real guitar but we have the real thing. So ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, let's hear a big Beckenham welcome back for Mr. Stephen Harley!!!!

EVENING - BEFORE/DURING DAVIE BOWIE TRIBUTE PERFORMERS

Welcome back. They say if you can remember the 60's then you weren't there. Well I can remember 1969 so maybe I wasn't ALL there! But I won't start a debate. Someone we all miss is our own Guitar George - Ronno from Hull, sadly no longer with us. I remember him turning up here for the first time in January 1970 with his power blasting group gear. I noticed the back of the speakers were stencilled with the name "RATS" - that was Mick Ronson's group, now come to the smoke to support David. So although the name of the 3 Tuns HAS changed, part of it does have an unexpected link to the past.

David once said to me "I wish I could be humorous on stage" - I replied "I wish I could be musical - we should get together!" BUT - (although his real name is Jones and mine is Smith (we were the original Alas Smith and Jones) - fortunately for David he decided to stay solo. Otherwise we might have been playing the Grimsby working men's club circuit to this day! And to demonstrate just how musical David is, we have tribute performers bringing his magic back to life again at the 3 Tuns! A big hand please for Paul Henderson, Rob Storm and Little Wonder.