DEFINITIONS OF DAVID BOWIE FAN TYPES:

11th Floor Resident - These fans tend to watch others cruising around following David Bowie.

Absolute Beginner - Own 'Let's Dance' on CD and have two old 8-track cartridges from their grandad's old Ford Granada MK2 glovebox. They also have that "first" album - you know the one with "that Major Tom song on it."

Anorak - These even know the Japanese catalogue number of 'Can't Help Thinking About Me' on the Pye label.

Art Decadist - These lot think they can paint like Bowie when in actual fact they are about as good as Paul McCartney. Give it up for Christ's sake!

Astronette - You can curse at this bunch. And they just stand there all steel like.

BNutter - Nutters who eat bees. Well what else could it be?

Baalist - Scruffy bunch who don't often wash much. Like looking at female anatomy.

Believer - These preach Bowieism as their chosen religion and bow down in his mere presence. They pray to the light machine every single evening for a new Bowie album or DVD to be released.

Big Brother - Usually have younger sisters and watch every move they make.

Black Country Rocker - Usually hail from the Birmingham area and quite like Ozzy Osbourne and other heavy metal crap.

Bowiephile - These tend to be manual workers who are good with their hands. They have their own Bowie Tool Box and yes you guessed it they refer to their rasp file their 'Bowie phile'. Sadder than sad.

Bureau Supplier - Ageing men and women who reckon they first saw Bowie, I mean Jones, at The Bricklayers Arms in 1965.

Candidate - Will do anything for a box chocolates on the first date.

Cat People Person - These weird lot got into Bowie after watching the movie 'Cat People'. Amazing what a soundtrack can do.

Chameleon Watcher - Also known as drunk couch potatoes. They are simply content to just buy and listen to his music and watch videos. Usually employed as tabloid journalists and always refer to David Bowie as a Chameleon. For f**k's sake be original and STOP calling him that. Bowie ain't green, he ain't a lizard, he doesn't eat flies and he doesn't change colour to match his background.

Ching-A-Linger - Also known as ching-a-liggers. They try to get in anywhere for free.

Cig Dimp Collector - A collector of Bowie dimps. Searching for Bowie Marlboro cigarette dimps from hotel ashtrays, even scouring the gutters in the street. Then carefully placed into a jam jar labelled 'Bowie Butts'. Now obsolete. Will start selling their spares on eBay shortly no doubt.

Diamond Dog - Beware of these lot. Can be usually found hidden behind a tree and they eat lots of eggs.

DJ'er - Own 'The World Of David Bowie' and secretly prefer to play The Village People's 'YMCA'.

Dodo - These lot are really weird but you didn't hear it from me.

Earthling - Not of this earth... what colour is the sky in your world?

European Cannon - Live in Europe and have big balls.

Future Legend - These usually have lots of downloadable mp3 songs that they've produced in their bedrooms.

Gimp - Seldom used name used for freebie pick up tickets. Also a bit like a chimp but spelt slightly differently.

Goblin Watcher - These are the types that state: "OMG I'm certainly NOT putting that in my mouth! But is it OK if I watch?"

Gouster - Could be classed as Young Americans, but are usually now classed as rather kewl dudes with a twisted slant on the world.

Grinning Soul - Usually have "full breasts" - both man and woman versions.

Ground Controller - Have their feet firmly on the ground.

Halloween Jack - "Oh Tarzie go man go."

Heathen - They don't know if they believe in God, so they preach Bowieism instead.

Hyper - They pretend to be huge hardcore David Bowie collectors and let it be known to all and sundry that they have the original Letter To Hermoine... not the song - THE actual letter. When really all they do have is the 'Singles Collection' and an original copy of 'Ground Control To Major Tom' on the Phillips label. Which they got off their Uncle Billy who gave them the scratched and knackered 45 for a birthday present back in 1981.

Hero - Tend to go to every show Bowie performs around the world and hang on every word he utters from that immortal mouth.

Jareth Crotch Watcher - These fans are created simply because of a pair of ball busting tights db wore in Labyrinth. The mere glimpse of that crotch for more than 2 seconds automatically converts any young pre-pubescent teenager into one of the 'moist Bowie fan generation'.

Jean Genie - These lot live on their backs. Love chimney stacks. Pull waiters and have a strange taste in itchy under garments.

Karma Man - Take a chill pill baby.

Kooky - The only album they own is the 'Real Cool World' soundtrack.

Lad In Sane - A mad guy.

Lass In Sane - A mad girl.

Lady Stardust - Female versions of Ziggy Stardust... or Marc Bolan fans.

Laughing Gnome - These fans laugh a lot and are little.

Leg Warmer - Often seen wearing white socks... from GAP.

Les Tricoteuses - No I don't know what it means either, so I looked it up in the dictionary. They paint with blood on walls and stuff like that.

Little Bombardier - Tiny people who explode into action once Bowie announces a world tour.

Little Wonder - These fans are little and laugh a lot.

London Boy - Boys who live down south in that London.

Madman - Go so far as collecting Bowie Marlboro cigarette dimps from hotel ashtrays. Follow tours around unwashed and somewhat slightly.

Moonage Daydreamers - These lot are completely depressed because they can't afford the new Moonage Daydream book. Poor bastids!

Oddity - These bunch are outta space and quite obviously are a sandwich short of a picnic.

One of the Goon Squad - Follow Bowie around in packs. They are called security men.

One of the Real McCoy - Actually related to David Bowie is one way or another.

One of the Sailor Crew - Sit in chatrooms waiting for some geezer called 'Sailor' to pop in and speak words of wit and wisdom.

One Of The Strange Ones In The Dome - These people lend you books and they get them back.

Oxford Townie - These lot live in Oxford Town, but won't admit it.

Passionate Bright Young Thing - These lot never fake it.

Pretty Thing - These lot really do rock it up.

Psychodelicate - Slightly paranoid. Be careful want you say in front of these lot. They tend to take things the wrong way.

Queen Bitch - Bitches with money.

Rain Checker - Never carry umbrellas.

Rebel - These don't like conforming to society as the 'norm'. Usually arty with a great sense of humour.

Room Mate From Hell - Your very own room mate, usually resides in Boston.

Savage Jaw - They'll split your pretty cranium and fill it full of air.

Scary Monster - Indeed. The name says it all.

Sex Receiver - Can take anyone, any time, any place, any where. More often than not with a camera.

Sneezy Bhutan - These lot carrying hankerchiefs around in their top pockets with the initials 'DB' embroidered on them. Although their name is usually Hubert, Stanley or . Please note that David Beckham is the exception to this rule.

Son Of The Silent Age - These bunch don't say much and don't have library tickets.

Sound and Visioner - Listen intently with each new recording that Bowie makes trying to suss out the lyrics without much success.

Space Boy - From an early age these types wanted to be astronauts. Then they discovered Bowie, dreams unfulfilled, ended up with a job at MacDonalds. They are just sleepy now.

Spider From Mars - These tend to continually live in the past. Buy Heathen and get a life.

Starman - As Moby says: "We are all made of stars."

Suburbian - Usually ex Pet Shop Boys fans who can't make their minds up.

Suffragette - Most live in Manchester. Originals were members of the National Society for Women's Suffrage which was formed there 1867. Their first ever meeting was held at the Free Trade Hall in 1868. One hundred and four years later - Bowie played there. Latter ones attended the gig or they did in their dreams.

Super Creep - These are real creeps, but hardly classed as Super.

Survivor - Usually do 20 or more muddy festival gigs and still come out smiling.

Sweet Head - These are the types that state: "OMG Let me put it in my mouth and let's see if we can get someone else to watch?"

Sweet Thing - Like to be watched during full on sex - with the door ajar.

The Angels - Unfortunately these lot don't want to talk anymore.

Three Tunner - Big Bowie fans from Beckenham in Kent.

Tin Head - So named by David himself. These were the true die hard fans who followed Tin Machine around Europe.

Tin Machinist - Work in a factory making 'Fuck You I Love Tin Machine' t-shirts to sell on eBay at $10 a piece.

Total Blam Blam - Another quite strange bunch, who have been known to actually build room extensions onto their houses just to house their Bowie collection.

Tuesday Lovers - Tend to masturbate just one day a week. Funnily enough on a Tuesday.

Very Hunky Dory - Kooky and laid back.

Wham Bam's - Quick 3 minutes of squelching noises and it's all over. Hey man! Where's the foreplay?

Wild Eyed Boy - These eye popping fans can usually be found at various rock festivals. Most saw Bowie for the first time around 1997 during various festival appearances during the Earthling Tour. They like mud and dropping E's.

Wonder Kid - As the name suggests... these are quite wonderful types and have a childish, silly sense of humour.

Young American - These lot tend to be young and erm... live in America.

Young Dude - These lot tend to be youngish and erm... pretend to be cool.

Zi Duanger - Pseudonym for whanger. Either got one or are in desperate need of one.

Ziggy Crotch Watcher - Older versions from the same stable as the Jareth Crotch Watchers. These fans are created simply because of a ball busting red jock strap complete with fancy diamante that Ziggy wore. The mere glimpse of that crotch for more than 5 seconds automatically converts any past-pubescent into a qualified member of the 'moist Bowie fan generation'.

Ziggyite - Like Marmite... you either love 'em or hate 'em.

Ziggyphile - These lot have already pre ordered 5 copies of the Moonage Daydream book. Rich bastids!

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